Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
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It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.