Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
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Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
that colleague who touches your screen
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
three things we don’t talk about
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.