The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
You Might Also Like
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
Just the best dancing sandwiches.