Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
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*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room