Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
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[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
how to market bottled water to dads
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
do u think theres a butter planet?
Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel