I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
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Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.