wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
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I’m an avid indoorsman.
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
just make the entire table out of coaster
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!