I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
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I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
I set out a suitcase to pack for my flight later today and spotted my 3 year old crawling inside it to hide. I casually zipped it up, yelled “I’M OFF TO THE AIRPORT, EVERYBODY!”, and carried it to the car. I’ve circled the block twice and my luggage hasn’t stopped laughing.
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.