HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
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Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
Hmm, not sure about this change
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…