Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
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Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
this is the best interaction on twitter
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?