The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
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A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
Cake!!
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
dream blunt rotation
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.