@LittleMissZesty

No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.

You Might Also Like

@lost__at_sea

ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer

HER: it’s ok i don’t drink

ME: ok we have 2 problems

@Zombie_Kitv2

Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.

@1Happytwit

You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.

@

[Running away from home]

Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!

@ComicMikeV

Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians

@envydatropic

Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it

@blade_funner

Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.

Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.

@HatfieldAnne

Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.

@geowizzacist

ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?

Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.