My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
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replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*