A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
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The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
My birth announcement for our third baby