@Staggfilms

A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.

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@iwearaonesie

“Is this the fifth one?”

– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish

@Shade510

My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.

@BigJDubz

[Knock at the door]

Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?

Mary: What’s he done this time?

@wittwitbarista

By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.

@FrogAvalanche

911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”

@badbanana

Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.

@lukeplusone

I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”

@GrabTheWEness

If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?