A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.

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“Is this the fifth one?”

– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish


My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.


[Knock at the door]

Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?

Mary: What’s he done this time?


By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.


911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”


Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.


I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”


If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?