HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
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[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
A dead goose is called a ghoost
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
This was the best day of my life
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.