me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
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[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
I might carry a baby with one hand.
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.