I might carry a baby with one hand.
You Might Also Like
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
Running from your problems is cardio .
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
what?
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
“I wouldn’t.”
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.