On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
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I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”