You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
You Might Also Like
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar