If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
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After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
being able to sleep 8 hours straight is also wasted on children. for what? what do you have to do tomorrow? if i don’t get enough sleep tonight, i might get fired
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
At my elementary “graduation” my teacher was retiring, and the teacher giving the speech kept saying the event was about her, which was odd. But now my family has a running joke with every graduation, award, wedding etc where we go “Congrats, but really this is about Ms.—–“
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???
Ladies, why y’all do this?
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality