being able to sleep 8 hours straight is also wasted on children. for what? what do you have to do tomorrow? if i don’t get enough sleep tonight, i might get fired
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Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?
No fruit flies.
No fruit flies.
No fruit flies.[buys a single banana]
87,000,000 fruit flies.
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
Wolves should really raise more people.
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.