Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
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If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.