My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
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COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.