Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
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55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
meow
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
this came to me in a vision
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
#catsoftwitter
peeping toms
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard