me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
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Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler