Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
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me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200