Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
You Might Also Like
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.