*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…
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Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
The Punning Dead.
Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
[Thanksgiving 2020]
Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions
Him: that’s a carrot
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
i now pronounce you bounced.
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!