i now pronounce you bounced.
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I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.
one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
I would’ve gotten away with saving money if it weren’t for those meddling kids!
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah