I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
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No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
The Wolf of Wall Street.
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey