Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
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SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.
prepare for carbonated trouble
I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.