Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
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if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me
BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
Name another movie that mislead you?
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding