Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
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Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it