Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
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[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
good morning
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names