When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
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I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.