@AnniemuMary

When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?

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@squirrel74wkgn

[texting with new girlfriend]

Her: What are you doing tonight?

Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp

Her: You’re adorable

@AbbieEvansXO

Me: they’re my service bees

Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you

Me: they’re trained

@jimmyfallon

My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird

@noog

Batman

Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred

Cons: Robin

@donni

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*

@roggyie

When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.

@junejuly12

“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door

@IiIijohnson

my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met

@okiecorri

[guy about to invent monopoly]

*looking at friends* i have too many of these