Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
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dogs can find happiness so easily
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
There is no try. There is only give up.
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?