Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
You Might Also Like
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
I try not to let avocados go bad anymore cause last time I let an avocado go bad, it stole my car and robbed a bank
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
Finally, a door that understands me
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
I got rejected on my very first blind date and I don’t understand why.
My date asked me if I had any pets and I said that I had a goldfish. Any hobbies? I said yes, he likes swimming.
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.