There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
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bro what is going on at twitter
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?