ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
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*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.