It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
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The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.