They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
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[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
Zack Greinke stories are the best
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?