don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
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Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
23. the denim jacket
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
File under excellent bookstore names.