The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
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[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
“I took care of your clown problem.”
This kinda thing happens to me often
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
adding to the discourse
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.