Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
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Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
The only equipped I am is ill.
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal