*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
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NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.