I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
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Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.