*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
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Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
scrabbled eggs
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣