SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
You Might Also Like
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition