[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
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Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
What the hell is going on?
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.