If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
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Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
I’M CRYINGGG
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.