Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
You Might Also Like
“dress for the job you want”
There’s a job you want???
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through