@impaulmccoy
@traciebreaux If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
You Might Also Like
@traciebreaux 
@STitusR The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
@nPhelendriqal This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
@OtherDanOBrien Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
@UnFitz When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
@iwearaonesie wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
@LorieGZ My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
@dshack8 No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
@Book_Krazy Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
@PleaseBeGneiss Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that