@impaulmccoy
@eff_yeah_steph Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
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@eff_yeah_steph 
@lazy_joe_ “Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
@daemonic3 Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
@Donna_McCoy GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
@HatfieldAnne Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
@NoFancyPants_ My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
@QwertyJones3 WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
@IamJackBoot Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
@GreenishDuck Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
@sarcasticmommy4 We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.