@impaulmccoy

My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.

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@eff_yeah_steph

Him: Do you have any food in your purse?

Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.

Him: Not all words need to be-

Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?

@lazy_joe_

“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS

@daemonic3

Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.

@Donna_McCoy

GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.

@HatfieldAnne

Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.

@NoFancyPants_

My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.

I think about this often.

@QwertyJones3

WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick

ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.

@IamJackBoot

Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?

@GreenishDuck

Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.

@sarcasticmommy4

We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.